Tag Archives: Depression

On a different planet.

5 Apr

Some days I feel like Lennon and I are on two different planets. This is definitely not anyone’s fault, but sometimes I just feel really out of step with how he’s feeling or how I should react to things. Today for example, I had a butt load of cleaning to do because I broke my toe not too long ago and our house just ugh, just felt disgusting. I had a lot of catch up to do. Lennon is home on spring break and is NOT loving it. I’m not really loving it either! Lennon loves school and his classmates, so this really isn’t a very fun time. Limping mommy + no school = unhappy and bored Lennon. 

So yeah, I attempted to get all of my crap done today which takes about twice the time since i’m limping all over. Lennon was very interested in what I was doing and was getting very close to the vaccum. He has gotten hit with before because he was behind me and I was swinging it around like a crazy. So every time he’s around it now I’m like excuse me Lennon, watch out Lennon you’ll get hurt! So I was saying this to him over and over and he was just so… well, just kind of out of sorts today. He was not listening what-so-ever.

I don’t know, long story short he was getting in the way of things that could hurt him. Like trying to grab knives out of dishwasher while I was filling it up, trying to run out into the road while I was trying to rake the leaves left over from autumn… ugh. We don’t have our fence up yet because we were still doing construction on our house into the fall. So yeah, just one thing after the other. Sometimes I just want to go, ok, crappy messy house? Oh well. Lets play and forget it. I could not do that today, I get in a horrible mood when my house is messy, I couldn’t let it go. So today was an off day. 

Mommy was on planet clean and Lennon was on planet bored and clingy. Today was DEFINITELY one of those days where Lennon had selective hearing. I had to repeat everything over and over. I’m used to repeating things a few times, but today was different. I’d say its even one of the most “off” days we’ve had. Poor Lennon, this was not about him at all, this was about me. Why didn’t I just throw in the towel and concentrate oh him? I just lost it, I hate feeling like I can’t do anything. I just HAD to clean the house today. I definitely felt like a failure today, I couldn’t make him happy and I was just losing my patience. Its ok though, at least that’s what I keep telling myself. There are a lot of factors that led up to today so it will get better. “Hubby” has the day off tomorrow so we’re going to the zoo or the butterfly exhibit that’s going on around here, so even if I might be hobbling, He will at least be able to pick up my slack! 

Here’s to tomorrow being a better day! 

Oh and on a completely random note, I’ve been taking a lot of fish oil lately and I swear it’s really lifting my mood! Google it! Fish oil is supposedly a natural treatment for depression so I started taking it a couple of weeks ago and I definitely feel better! So, give it a try people!

Random things that bother me…

18 Mar

left hand 03-15-11

-Girls that just loove long nails but have no fucking clue why they do. Have you ever thought about why in the hell you would ever want to grow these long “feminine” nails that serve absolutely no purpose? It’s one of those things girls do just because someone told them they should or they thought they looked cool so they decided to spend an obscene amount of money tending to them. What in the hell. Don’t long nails get in the way ladies? How are long talon fingers attractive and useful? I would rather die than spend 40 dollars on a fake set of nails (or however much it costs) and then go, “oh my gosh guys, I broke a nail!”. Never. Gonna. Happen.

-Why in the world do people in movies and TV shows sit on beds and couches and put their feet up on them with their shoes on?! Gross. If anyone ever put their germy, public bathroom, chewed gum shoes where I sleep, well, shit would go down. I sleep on that bed you crazy! I relax and lay my head on that couch! Ugh. Please tell me this never happens in real life and this is just something they do in the movies.

-People who say things like :

“Oh this is Lennon’s class? They look so normal.” – Someone looking at Lennon’s class picture. No explanation needed.

“…you should talk to her. She has four kids on the spectrum and she would give you good insight. She’s also really worried for her children when they decide to start having kids.” -So why is she so worried? If she’s so worried and obviously has a really hard time and can’t stand taking care of four kinds on the spectrum well, why did she have four? Poor kids.

“Well at least Lennon doesn’t have a physical disability. It also helps that he’s so darn cute!” -Umm… Speechless.

Those are just a few awesome examples from the past couple of days. DAYS.

-People who comment on other people’s weight CONSTANTLY. Listen. I’ve never weighed this much in my life, and you bet your ass I’m aware of that. If you haven’t noticed, I’m dealing with some pretty hard things right now, so I would really fucking appreciate it if you would back off or at least act like you care. Maybe ask me how I’m doing instead. Thanks!

-If I never hear anything like this again, it will be too soon.

“I’d like to see the tea party get strong.”

I just laughed internally and then barfed in my mouth a little bit.

Goodnight.

Baby number two?

13 Mar

I really really want to have another baby, but, I’m also pretty scared. I really don’t want to wait much longer. Lennon will be four in a few months and if we got pregnant around that time Lennon will be almost five by the time the baby arrives. I’ve always wanted two kids, I also wanted to have two children closer together but, things change and things turn out differently than you think sometimes. I’m glad I was able to spend this much time focusing on just Lennon, but I think he could really benefit from having a sibling. However, he really needs to work on how close he gets to others and respect the baby’s personal space. I’m pretty worried about that, we’ll just have to work on it. Well, there are a few things we really need to work on:

1. Potty training. This will be a great help when we have a newborn and although it will be very difficult, I think it can be done. I think… I mean, Lennon’s communication hasn’t been that great, and he still doesn’t seem to notice when he goes. He could run around forever with a poopy diaper and not care. Not a good sign, but we’ll work on it.

2. Lennon has a tendency to run away from me or bolt, that (obviously) scares the HELL out of me! And with a baby in tow, a million times worse.

3. And, like I said above, Lennon likes to poke and get into other peoples personal space. My best friend brought her baby over not too long ago for the first time and Lennon tried to stick his finger in her mouth and was just all up in her business. It can be worked on, he knows what NO means and I think if I say it enough times I will get through to him on this issue. I know he understands when I don’t want him to do something because well, he wont do it or when he does, he gives me this look. You all know it i’m sure, when it comes to the simple no’s, he gets it. But the running away from me thing, that’s a little bit more complex and we have a long ways to go on that one.

4. Outings. Like I said before, Lennon has a hard time staying with me so most of the time I hold his hand when we are walking around at the store or just in areas where he could get really hurt if he got away from me. How am I going to juggle a newborn and Lennon? What if he gets away from me and i’m left standing there with and infant? It’s kind of hard to sprint with a newborn… 

5. My mental state. I’m pretty up and down right now, some days i’m alright, some days I feel pretty awful. I’m planning to explore alternative methods since I am not going to go on medication right now, especially if we plan on having another baby soon. I just read a great book, its called the Depression Cure, the Six Step Program to Defeat Depression Without Drugs. It’s great and I recommend it to anyone looking for natural treatment options. I haven’t started my treatment yet, but i’m hoping that with enough supplements and exercise I will feel better without having to be medicated. I really don’t want to take medication, but if I can’t find some kind of relief from my depression and anxiety naturally, then I can’t see myself wanting to get pregnant anytime soon. 

I really need advice! How do you all do it?! How do you even leave the house with more than one child? Especially if one doesn’t listen so well? If anyone could help me out with this it would be awesome! Ease my mind a little bit! Lennon can communicate, well he does sometimes. He does have some language and I can get his attention but I have to repeat things quite a bit and usually at a high volume. I feel bad about yelling sometimes, well I guess its not yelling but its speaking loudly. If I don’t though it can be hard to get his attention. So, I just need some advice on how you handle outings with your kids on the spectrum and your little ones who aren’t even able to walk yet. Thanks so much! 

Sooner than you think.

7 Mar

Image

I really love this tattoo. It’s definitely something I would get, it seems a little morbid, but to me it’s just familiar. I think about the meaning of life and death more than any sane person should. I’m afraid to live and I’m afraid to die. That is the perfect way to describe my current state. I get so paralyzed because I am overwhelmed with my thoughts that it seems that I am actually, literally, paralyzed. I just sit and stare off and wonder and daydream. I sit and I think about what I fear, then I get disgusted with myself. Then, I get even more mad and disgusted because I want to make Lennon’s life and mine as great and full as possible, but I can’t do that. I just can’t right now. I hate admitting I CAN’T do something. I am a little ways from getting help right now.

I think maybe I had to hit bottom before I could really open my eyes and enjoy life. Actually, I had to hit bottom and then scrape along it for around 2 years. Now I’m looking up and just barely seeing signs of light and hope. I have horrible horrible self-esteem problems. It’s hard for me to even make sense of my thoughts when it comes to how I view myself or how I think others view me. I feel really lame even discussing self-esteem or self-confidence because I’m sure everyone has their fair share of problems, but seriously, my issues seem so completely insane. It all started when I was really young. My parents are very critical people when it comes to looks. I was compared a lot to others. I was stopped sometimes when I would try to leave the house without certain products on my face. My mom would ask if I was planning on wearing mascara when I was about to go out and see my then boyfriend. So yeah, it’s just stuff like that. It sticks with you and you just never forget.

So then my thoughts started to mutate. I would think, so you’re telling me I look like crap without makeup on right? No one will want to see me without it? My boyfriend will think I’m ugly? You are my mother and you think I need this? I don’t know. This is one small example and I’m not willing to get into any more than that. My parents provided me with a lot. However, they did a horrible job when it came to building any kind of self-confidence in me whatsoever.

Anyway, so if you’ve read anything I’ve written previously then you already know I’m struggling with my weight right now. I think it must have something to do with the fact that I’ve been off of my medication for the past two years, which is the longest I’ve ever gone. I just cracked. I could not handle what was going on in my life plus the full onset of depression and anxiety without medication. So anyway, I wont get into all of that right now.

The main reason for this particular post is the discussion of time and how I’m spending mine. I feel like I’m wasting away. I feel like a shitty mom. I feel like I could be filling our days with all of these fun, exciting activities. Instead, I am glued to this house and I am a prisoner of my own mind and fear. Life is so so short. The end is sooner than we think, and I just fear someday I will look back on this time and regret it.

On a completely random note, I took the following picture a few years ago right after my prescription was upped to 150mg. My pupils are HUGE  and it looks like I am some kind of scared animal about to have a massive heart attack! Does anyone else experience that who is on medication? It’s really embarrassing and it looks like you are on crack or something, that’s pretty much the last thing I want people to think ha ha, so, any advice?!

Image

Ahh! Scary! On a completely unrelated note, still wish I was that in shape but oh well… I’ll get there.

I’m going to talk about something I hate talking about now. Ugh.

3 Mar
Image

If I went and weighed myself right now, my scale would totally say this. Also, it would cry… if that were possible.

My weight. I absolutely despise talking about weight, diets and etc. I just don’t want to feel like one of “those women”. You know, the ones who should get an fing hobby because that is ALL they talk about. It’s like, do you have anything else to say? Any other interesting or intelligent thoughts running through your brain? No? That’s what I thought.

So I’ve tried to be strong, I’ve tried to ignore it because I have been for so long now, but I can’t anymore. I have to get this out there. I am so unhappy with the amount of weight i’ve gained in the last two years. It’s probably like 40 lbs by now. That is such a scary thing to type. You see, this is the longest I have ever gone without medication, couple that with the “autism stuff” that we just started to discuss around two years ago and well, its not so hard to see why. I know I know its like, boo hoo me right? Well, i’m trying hard not to be like that, I think I am coming out on the other side of that thanks to wordpress and not feeling so alone with my thoughts. I need to take serious responsibility for my body and health. I have been totally neglecting my body and mind for two years now. I honestly just did not care about myself, I mean, I really don’t right now either. So i’m going to make a couple of confessions right now, and they might sound really pathetic or sad but hey, what the hell.

What’s the point? I mean, who really gives a shit about what I look like? No one. I mean, they might but well, who cares? So they look at me and make a split second judgement and them move on with their lives right? So then I think, well I have more important things to think about and focusing on myself and feeling hot is just not a priority, right? Or am I way off (I think to myself), maybe the problem is just that. That if I felt better about myself I just might feel better and then I would be a better mom. Then I feel like crap and think about how crappy of a mom I must have been for the past two years or whatever. I don’t even want to say how much I weigh, well I honestly can’t because I honestly don’t know. Lets just say I feel chubby and I know I look chubby and to make it worse, I don’t fit in any of my clothes. I have that sad depressed girl look about me, the one where you only wear sweatshirts and yoga pants. I’m not kidding. I need to break out of this I feel sorry for myself funk. I was raring to go after I had Lennon, I got right on the treadmill and took responsibility for my pregnancy weight gain damn it! Back when that seemed to be a priority, but is it now? I think it just might be. I need to feel better, because if I don’t feel good then its more likely i’m putting those not so good feelings onto Lennon and i’m not being the best mom I can be. Thats the funny thing about depression and anxiety though. The last thing you want to do is get on the treadmill or give up sleep when sometimes that’s your only escape. J would probably crap his pants if I all of the sudden got my ass up and said, “i’m working out and i’m not going to eat like shit today!” he would be like, “who the hell are you?”.

Yup, sounds like I need a change. I’m going to go blub away now.

Regrets.

16 Feb

I probably shouldn’t ever post anything late at night. After midnight, this girl is not posting anything, its like a gremlins thing, or not. Actually its nothing like gremlins. I just like gremlins. Ok…

Well I seem to regret about half of the things I post, I think its because this is really my only outlet, whoever is reading my blog well, they know a lot more about me than pretty much anyone else. I have some really really scary and sad thoughts and I guess that’s why I started blogging, because I thought if I got it out on here then maybe I wouldn’t be alone with these thoughts. Like I said before, I’m hoping awhile from now, and who knows how long it will be, that i’ll feel better. That L will have a mom that is all there or maybe that’s hoping for too much, maybe I’ll be more there than I am now. Anyway, I am completely open to any kind of advice anyone wants to give me. I would love to hear your stories especially if you have dealt with an autism diagnoses (if your child has been diagnosed with autism) or what led up to the autism diagnoses for your child. What process did you go though? How did you feel? How did you deal with your feelings? I would appreciate it so much. Seriously guys.

My email address is elehma01@baker.edu (hopefully its not a big no no to display your email address on your blog… oh well. Yay spam!)

I also want to clear something up. I am not this huge mopey creature that just blobs around and cries. Although that does sound pretty sexy… I am happy sometimes. I’m not anxious all the time. The last two years have been the most difficult of my life, but part of me is still here and that part of me still has a little bit of life left in it. I just don’t want to sound like I whine all the time, I don’t. J (my fiance) is the only person in my life that knows that much about how I feel, I don’t go to a therapist (hopefully that will change soon) and I don’t discuss my feelings with my friends or family. I have one or two times, i’ve called my mom crying, but what can they really do? So I don’t lay all of this shit on them all the time, I try to be ok. So I guess what i’m trying to say is this; this blog is my outlet and because it is my outlet, its going to sound horribly depressing sometimes. You have been warned. 

Bubble Girl.

13 Feb

I feel kind of like Jake Gyllenwhatsit in the movie Bubble Boy, only i’m a girl, I’m not allergic to anything, and this is real life (I think). Maybe that is my allergy. I’m allergic to real life.