Tag Archives: Autism

Hiatus and our definitive answer.

19 May

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So. I kind of took a little bit of a (much needed) break from writing there, didn’t I? The school informed me or as the school social worker put it, “warned me” that Lennon was getting the school diagnosis of ASD. Yeah, I know, you don’t have to “warn” me. I just want to hear some good things from the group at the meeting. That’s all. I really want to hear a plan and I want to form a plan and schedule for the summer to continue his learning experience as much as possible. I mean, obviously. He needs the structure and I pretty much hate it haha but Lennon needs it, so structure here we come.

In other news, the old SO and I got married! We are planning a party in the fall but I desperately needed insurance! So, of course, I dragged his booty to the court house whether he liked it or not (sarcasm). I’m a married woman, alright?! I’m the boss. Hahaha ok I’m done…

But seriously, people should be scared of me. I’m getting stronger and I’m not taking anymore bullshit. I am serious. I am sick of the judgements, the stupid suggestions and what ever other ignorant shit you want to throw at me. Do some research and grow your compassion muscle a little bit before you talk to me, or you’ll probably get an earful and you’ll be sorry. End rant. I am happy and strong and about to get a little extra boost from my Effexor.

Watch out.

Hello therapy!

14 Apr

Thank you wordpress, for giving me a place to vent. Oh lordy, I need it right now. 

Lennon’s teacher is giving me so much anxiety, I can barely take it. I have called her three times now and I also sent her an email, this has been over three weeks. One of those weeks was spring break though, so I guess i’ll give her a break with that one, but seriously. I know she has gotten my messages. She called me and left me a message about Lennons evaluation, or rather, that they finally decided he should have one. I have brought this up to them a few times before. To the speech therapists before school started and to Lennons teacher. I just feel if he can get evaluated through the school, then that is definitely the best way. They actually know him, i’d rather have them do it than some doctor who has only been in his presence for a couple of hours. So anyway I missed her call three weeks ago… dammit. Why oh why did I do that? Why?! Now I am suffering and I know i’ll have to walk my ass in there because apparently I am being ignored.

These are the things that bother me. Its things like this. Its other people and its me. I have problems dealing with things because I desperately need therapy (which I am very close to getting) and other people constantly let me down that are supposed to help me and help Lennon. How is it that everyone I came in contact with from the school seemed so unable to help me? Couldn’t they tell I was so scared and confused? When speech therapists come to your home from the school for the first couple of times, they should tell you exactly what to do. They are the first “knowledgeable” people you come into contact with when you first have questions about your child’s possible diagnoses and their development.

They should say, we know you are worried, you are scared and confused. Here is a list of resources that may be of some help. Here is a list of support groups, this is how you go about receiving help. Nope. That is not at all what happens. Then I call Lennons teacher and wonder, where can I receive support? I ask about the evaluation and she tells me they usually only do one after years of him being in the program. You have to be kidding me! I don’t expect everyone at the school to KNOW EVERYTHING I just expect them to know the basic things that will help families. Not frustrate and confuse them. 

It seems that everything I ask is met with a “oh, I don’t know” kind of response. Do you recommend any day care facilities in the area? Do you know where I can get Lennon evaluated? Do you know how I can go about doing that through the school? 

“oh, I don’t know”

Wow. 

Seriously, someone give me a manual on how to deal with the school! Also, the whole not calling me back or emailing me back thing! How about a courtesy call? Just tell me you don’t have time to answer my questions right now and you’ll get back to me soon, anything, please. I have not been crazy towards her, I have just been asking simple questions I expect her to know, I ask her nicely. My email was just like, hey, I have called you a couple of times, i’m sure you’re busy but I just want to know more about the eval you left me a message about. I left my cell number (which she definitely already has). That was it. So what in the hell gives?? If they are too busy to call parents back then they should not be doing what they are doing. I didn’t even freak out on her about the diaper changing thing. I was WAY too nice about that. I don’t even know why. 

What are my rights here? Do I need an advocate or am I advocate enough, because I feel like i’m failing miserably. 

On a different planet.

5 Apr

Some days I feel like Lennon and I are on two different planets. This is definitely not anyone’s fault, but sometimes I just feel really out of step with how he’s feeling or how I should react to things. Today for example, I had a butt load of cleaning to do because I broke my toe not too long ago and our house just ugh, just felt disgusting. I had a lot of catch up to do. Lennon is home on spring break and is NOT loving it. I’m not really loving it either! Lennon loves school and his classmates, so this really isn’t a very fun time. Limping mommy + no school = unhappy and bored Lennon. 

So yeah, I attempted to get all of my crap done today which takes about twice the time since i’m limping all over. Lennon was very interested in what I was doing and was getting very close to the vaccum. He has gotten hit with before because he was behind me and I was swinging it around like a crazy. So every time he’s around it now I’m like excuse me Lennon, watch out Lennon you’ll get hurt! So I was saying this to him over and over and he was just so… well, just kind of out of sorts today. He was not listening what-so-ever.

I don’t know, long story short he was getting in the way of things that could hurt him. Like trying to grab knives out of dishwasher while I was filling it up, trying to run out into the road while I was trying to rake the leaves left over from autumn… ugh. We don’t have our fence up yet because we were still doing construction on our house into the fall. So yeah, just one thing after the other. Sometimes I just want to go, ok, crappy messy house? Oh well. Lets play and forget it. I could not do that today, I get in a horrible mood when my house is messy, I couldn’t let it go. So today was an off day. 

Mommy was on planet clean and Lennon was on planet bored and clingy. Today was DEFINITELY one of those days where Lennon had selective hearing. I had to repeat everything over and over. I’m used to repeating things a few times, but today was different. I’d say its even one of the most “off” days we’ve had. Poor Lennon, this was not about him at all, this was about me. Why didn’t I just throw in the towel and concentrate oh him? I just lost it, I hate feeling like I can’t do anything. I just HAD to clean the house today. I definitely felt like a failure today, I couldn’t make him happy and I was just losing my patience. Its ok though, at least that’s what I keep telling myself. There are a lot of factors that led up to today so it will get better. “Hubby” has the day off tomorrow so we’re going to the zoo or the butterfly exhibit that’s going on around here, so even if I might be hobbling, He will at least be able to pick up my slack! 

Here’s to tomorrow being a better day! 

Oh and on a completely random note, I’ve been taking a lot of fish oil lately and I swear it’s really lifting my mood! Google it! Fish oil is supposedly a natural treatment for depression so I started taking it a couple of weeks ago and I definitely feel better! So, give it a try people!

Random things that bother me…

18 Mar

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-Girls that just loove long nails but have no fucking clue why they do. Have you ever thought about why in the hell you would ever want to grow these long “feminine” nails that serve absolutely no purpose? It’s one of those things girls do just because someone told them they should or they thought they looked cool so they decided to spend an obscene amount of money tending to them. What in the hell. Don’t long nails get in the way ladies? How are long talon fingers attractive and useful? I would rather die than spend 40 dollars on a fake set of nails (or however much it costs) and then go, “oh my gosh guys, I broke a nail!”. Never. Gonna. Happen.

-Why in the world do people in movies and TV shows sit on beds and couches and put their feet up on them with their shoes on?! Gross. If anyone ever put their germy, public bathroom, chewed gum shoes where I sleep, well, shit would go down. I sleep on that bed you crazy! I relax and lay my head on that couch! Ugh. Please tell me this never happens in real life and this is just something they do in the movies.

-People who say things like :

“Oh this is Lennon’s class? They look so normal.” – Someone looking at Lennon’s class picture. No explanation needed.

“…you should talk to her. She has four kids on the spectrum and she would give you good insight. She’s also really worried for her children when they decide to start having kids.” -So why is she so worried? If she’s so worried and obviously has a really hard time and can’t stand taking care of four kinds on the spectrum well, why did she have four? Poor kids.

“Well at least Lennon doesn’t have a physical disability. It also helps that he’s so darn cute!” -Umm… Speechless.

Those are just a few awesome examples from the past couple of days. DAYS.

-People who comment on other people’s weight CONSTANTLY. Listen. I’ve never weighed this much in my life, and you bet your ass I’m aware of that. If you haven’t noticed, I’m dealing with some pretty hard things right now, so I would really fucking appreciate it if you would back off or at least act like you care. Maybe ask me how I’m doing instead. Thanks!

-If I never hear anything like this again, it will be too soon.

“I’d like to see the tea party get strong.”

I just laughed internally and then barfed in my mouth a little bit.

Goodnight.

Baby number two?

13 Mar

I really really want to have another baby, but, I’m also pretty scared. I really don’t want to wait much longer. Lennon will be four in a few months and if we got pregnant around that time Lennon will be almost five by the time the baby arrives. I’ve always wanted two kids, I also wanted to have two children closer together but, things change and things turn out differently than you think sometimes. I’m glad I was able to spend this much time focusing on just Lennon, but I think he could really benefit from having a sibling. However, he really needs to work on how close he gets to others and respect the baby’s personal space. I’m pretty worried about that, we’ll just have to work on it. Well, there are a few things we really need to work on:

1. Potty training. This will be a great help when we have a newborn and although it will be very difficult, I think it can be done. I think… I mean, Lennon’s communication hasn’t been that great, and he still doesn’t seem to notice when he goes. He could run around forever with a poopy diaper and not care. Not a good sign, but we’ll work on it.

2. Lennon has a tendency to run away from me or bolt, that (obviously) scares the HELL out of me! And with a baby in tow, a million times worse.

3. And, like I said above, Lennon likes to poke and get into other peoples personal space. My best friend brought her baby over not too long ago for the first time and Lennon tried to stick his finger in her mouth and was just all up in her business. It can be worked on, he knows what NO means and I think if I say it enough times I will get through to him on this issue. I know he understands when I don’t want him to do something because well, he wont do it or when he does, he gives me this look. You all know it i’m sure, when it comes to the simple no’s, he gets it. But the running away from me thing, that’s a little bit more complex and we have a long ways to go on that one.

4. Outings. Like I said before, Lennon has a hard time staying with me so most of the time I hold his hand when we are walking around at the store or just in areas where he could get really hurt if he got away from me. How am I going to juggle a newborn and Lennon? What if he gets away from me and i’m left standing there with and infant? It’s kind of hard to sprint with a newborn… 

5. My mental state. I’m pretty up and down right now, some days i’m alright, some days I feel pretty awful. I’m planning to explore alternative methods since I am not going to go on medication right now, especially if we plan on having another baby soon. I just read a great book, its called the Depression Cure, the Six Step Program to Defeat Depression Without Drugs. It’s great and I recommend it to anyone looking for natural treatment options. I haven’t started my treatment yet, but i’m hoping that with enough supplements and exercise I will feel better without having to be medicated. I really don’t want to take medication, but if I can’t find some kind of relief from my depression and anxiety naturally, then I can’t see myself wanting to get pregnant anytime soon. 

I really need advice! How do you all do it?! How do you even leave the house with more than one child? Especially if one doesn’t listen so well? If anyone could help me out with this it would be awesome! Ease my mind a little bit! Lennon can communicate, well he does sometimes. He does have some language and I can get his attention but I have to repeat things quite a bit and usually at a high volume. I feel bad about yelling sometimes, well I guess its not yelling but its speaking loudly. If I don’t though it can be hard to get his attention. So, I just need some advice on how you handle outings with your kids on the spectrum and your little ones who aren’t even able to walk yet. Thanks so much! 

Awesome.

2 Mar

So Lennon’s teacher called today. She explained that those who are responsible for changing Lennon’s diapers will now be doing so so he doesn’t come home with a soaking wet diaper.

Nice. Thanks.

Went on Amazon, searched Autism in books trying to find something helpful for our journey, this one was on the first page. 

http://www.amazon.com/Myth-Autism-Misunderstood-Epidemic-Destroying/dp/1616081716/ref=sr_1_12?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1362197276&sr=1-12&keywords=autism

Thanks Amazon. Thanks a lot. 

Emailed my best friend about my current state of mind, not feeling very well, i’m worried about the upcoming diagnosis. She reads it but doesn’t respond (I know this because Facebook tells you when something is read… pretty creepy). Get a text from her the next day saying I should count my blessings because blah blah blah worse story about child that had something worse.

Kind of understand where she’s coming from but, seriously? Any caring words? Words of kindness or encouragement?

No? 

Ok cool. Thanks.

Financial woes.

27 Feb

I’m kind of freaking out. I’ll be done with school this summer and I have quite a bit of student loan debt. I’ll have to start paying it back six months after I’m done, and I am freaking out. Seriously. Here are some reasons for my current state of mind-
– Lennon has not been diagnosed yet and I have no idea how much it’s going to cost.
– My fiancé works and does ok, you could say we are “middle class” but he also has quite a bit of student loans.
– So after Lennon gets diagnosed, I know there will be extra therapies beyond going to school we will be going to. I have no idea how much these will cost or how often we will be going, but what does that mean for me as far as finding employment? I’m assuming we’ll have to go to these during the week, so how do you maintain a good standing at work and go to therapies?
– I have no idea where Lennon will go to daycare because he only goes to school half days, four days a week. There aren’t any daycare centers around here I would even consider, well, there is one but it has a crazy huge wait list I mean, one so long it’s pretty ridiculous. I am afraid of Lennon being away from me for an entire day. How will he handle this? I don’t even want to think about it.
– To explain my situation a little further well, I began my journey with school and loans and whatnot before I got pregnant. I’m 25 now and when I got pregnant with Lennon I was 21 and I had just started in on a new program/degree path at school. If I would have known then what I know now, well, I probably would have dropped out to keep my amount if debt low so I could have stayed home with Lennon and then I wouldn’t have to worry about what I have worry about now. I mean really, stay in school kids! It’s just my situation that’s a little different and sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have ever paid soo much money for school. Oh well. Woulda coulda shoulda.

Can anyone help me out? What is your situation when it comes to balancing work and everything else? Are your children (who have autism) in school and daycare? How are they handling it?

Thanks guys (and gals)! I’m just really freaking out thinking about all this upcoming stuff… I’m not sure what to do.