Tag Archives: Anxiety

Random things that bother me…

18 Mar

left hand 03-15-11

-Girls that just loove long nails but have no fucking clue why they do. Have you ever thought about why in the hell you would ever want to grow these long “feminine” nails that serve absolutely no purpose? It’s one of those things girls do just because someone told them they should or they thought they looked cool so they decided to spend an obscene amount of money tending to them. What in the hell. Don’t long nails get in the way ladies? How are long talon fingers attractive and useful? I would rather die than spend 40 dollars on a fake set of nails (or however much it costs) and then go, “oh my gosh guys, I broke a nail!”. Never. Gonna. Happen.

-Why in the world do people in movies and TV shows sit on beds and couches and put their feet up on them with their shoes on?! Gross. If anyone ever put their germy, public bathroom, chewed gum shoes where I sleep, well, shit would go down. I sleep on that bed you crazy! I relax and lay my head on that couch! Ugh. Please tell me this never happens in real life and this is just something they do in the movies.

-People who say things like :

“Oh this is Lennon’s class? They look so normal.” – Someone looking at Lennon’s class picture. No explanation needed.

“…you should talk to her. She has four kids on the spectrum and she would give you good insight. She’s also really worried for her children when they decide to start having kids.” -So why is she so worried? If she’s so worried and obviously has a really hard time and can’t stand taking care of four kinds on the spectrum well, why did she have four? Poor kids.

“Well at least Lennon doesn’t have a physical disability. It also helps that he’s so darn cute!” -Umm… Speechless.

Those are just a few awesome examples from the past couple of days. DAYS.

-People who comment on other people’s weight CONSTANTLY. Listen. I’ve never weighed this much in my life, and you bet your ass I’m aware of that. If you haven’t noticed, I’m dealing with some pretty hard things right now, so I would really fucking appreciate it if you would back off or at least act like you care. Maybe ask me how I’m doing instead. Thanks!

-If I never hear anything like this again, it will be too soon.

“I’d like to see the tea party get strong.”

I just laughed internally and then barfed in my mouth a little bit.

Goodnight.

Advertisements

Baby number two?

13 Mar

I really really want to have another baby, but, I’m also pretty scared. I really don’t want to wait much longer. Lennon will be four in a few months and if we got pregnant around that time Lennon will be almost five by the time the baby arrives. I’ve always wanted two kids, I also wanted to have two children closer together but, things change and things turn out differently than you think sometimes. I’m glad I was able to spend this much time focusing on just Lennon, but I think he could really benefit from having a sibling. However, he really needs to work on how close he gets to others and respect the baby’s personal space. I’m pretty worried about that, we’ll just have to work on it. Well, there are a few things we really need to work on:

1. Potty training. This will be a great help when we have a newborn and although it will be very difficult, I think it can be done. I think… I mean, Lennon’s communication hasn’t been that great, and he still doesn’t seem to notice when he goes. He could run around forever with a poopy diaper and not care. Not a good sign, but we’ll work on it.

2. Lennon has a tendency to run away from me or bolt, that (obviously) scares the HELL out of me! And with a baby in tow, a million times worse.

3. And, like I said above, Lennon likes to poke and get into other peoples personal space. My best friend brought her baby over not too long ago for the first time and Lennon tried to stick his finger in her mouth and was just all up in her business. It can be worked on, he knows what NO means and I think if I say it enough times I will get through to him on this issue. I know he understands when I don’t want him to do something because well, he wont do it or when he does, he gives me this look. You all know it i’m sure, when it comes to the simple no’s, he gets it. But the running away from me thing, that’s a little bit more complex and we have a long ways to go on that one.

4. Outings. Like I said before, Lennon has a hard time staying with me so most of the time I hold his hand when we are walking around at the store or just in areas where he could get really hurt if he got away from me. How am I going to juggle a newborn and Lennon? What if he gets away from me and i’m left standing there with and infant? It’s kind of hard to sprint with a newborn… 

5. My mental state. I’m pretty up and down right now, some days i’m alright, some days I feel pretty awful. I’m planning to explore alternative methods since I am not going to go on medication right now, especially if we plan on having another baby soon. I just read a great book, its called the Depression Cure, the Six Step Program to Defeat Depression Without Drugs. It’s great and I recommend it to anyone looking for natural treatment options. I haven’t started my treatment yet, but i’m hoping that with enough supplements and exercise I will feel better without having to be medicated. I really don’t want to take medication, but if I can’t find some kind of relief from my depression and anxiety naturally, then I can’t see myself wanting to get pregnant anytime soon. 

I really need advice! How do you all do it?! How do you even leave the house with more than one child? Especially if one doesn’t listen so well? If anyone could help me out with this it would be awesome! Ease my mind a little bit! Lennon can communicate, well he does sometimes. He does have some language and I can get his attention but I have to repeat things quite a bit and usually at a high volume. I feel bad about yelling sometimes, well I guess its not yelling but its speaking loudly. If I don’t though it can be hard to get his attention. So, I just need some advice on how you handle outings with your kids on the spectrum and your little ones who aren’t even able to walk yet. Thanks so much! 

Sooner than you think.

7 Mar

Image

I really love this tattoo. It’s definitely something I would get, it seems a little morbid, but to me it’s just familiar. I think about the meaning of life and death more than any sane person should. I’m afraid to live and I’m afraid to die. That is the perfect way to describe my current state. I get so paralyzed because I am overwhelmed with my thoughts that it seems that I am actually, literally, paralyzed. I just sit and stare off and wonder and daydream. I sit and I think about what I fear, then I get disgusted with myself. Then, I get even more mad and disgusted because I want to make Lennon’s life and mine as great and full as possible, but I can’t do that. I just can’t right now. I hate admitting I CAN’T do something. I am a little ways from getting help right now.

I think maybe I had to hit bottom before I could really open my eyes and enjoy life. Actually, I had to hit bottom and then scrape along it for around 2 years. Now I’m looking up and just barely seeing signs of light and hope. I have horrible horrible self-esteem problems. It’s hard for me to even make sense of my thoughts when it comes to how I view myself or how I think others view me. I feel really lame even discussing self-esteem or self-confidence because I’m sure everyone has their fair share of problems, but seriously, my issues seem so completely insane. It all started when I was really young. My parents are very critical people when it comes to looks. I was compared a lot to others. I was stopped sometimes when I would try to leave the house without certain products on my face. My mom would ask if I was planning on wearing mascara when I was about to go out and see my then boyfriend. So yeah, it’s just stuff like that. It sticks with you and you just never forget.

So then my thoughts started to mutate. I would think, so you’re telling me I look like crap without makeup on right? No one will want to see me without it? My boyfriend will think I’m ugly? You are my mother and you think I need this? I don’t know. This is one small example and I’m not willing to get into any more than that. My parents provided me with a lot. However, they did a horrible job when it came to building any kind of self-confidence in me whatsoever.

Anyway, so if you’ve read anything I’ve written previously then you already know I’m struggling with my weight right now. I think it must have something to do with the fact that I’ve been off of my medication for the past two years, which is the longest I’ve ever gone. I just cracked. I could not handle what was going on in my life plus the full onset of depression and anxiety without medication. So anyway, I wont get into all of that right now.

The main reason for this particular post is the discussion of time and how I’m spending mine. I feel like I’m wasting away. I feel like a shitty mom. I feel like I could be filling our days with all of these fun, exciting activities. Instead, I am glued to this house and I am a prisoner of my own mind and fear. Life is so so short. The end is sooner than we think, and I just fear someday I will look back on this time and regret it.

On a completely random note, I took the following picture a few years ago right after my prescription was upped to 150mg. My pupils are HUGE  and it looks like I am some kind of scared animal about to have a massive heart attack! Does anyone else experience that who is on medication? It’s really embarrassing and it looks like you are on crack or something, that’s pretty much the last thing I want people to think ha ha, so, any advice?!

Image

Ahh! Scary! On a completely unrelated note, still wish I was that in shape but oh well… I’ll get there.

I’m going to talk about something I hate talking about now. Ugh.

3 Mar
Image

If I went and weighed myself right now, my scale would totally say this. Also, it would cry… if that were possible.

My weight. I absolutely despise talking about weight, diets and etc. I just don’t want to feel like one of “those women”. You know, the ones who should get an fing hobby because that is ALL they talk about. It’s like, do you have anything else to say? Any other interesting or intelligent thoughts running through your brain? No? That’s what I thought.

So I’ve tried to be strong, I’ve tried to ignore it because I have been for so long now, but I can’t anymore. I have to get this out there. I am so unhappy with the amount of weight i’ve gained in the last two years. It’s probably like 40 lbs by now. That is such a scary thing to type. You see, this is the longest I have ever gone without medication, couple that with the “autism stuff” that we just started to discuss around two years ago and well, its not so hard to see why. I know I know its like, boo hoo me right? Well, i’m trying hard not to be like that, I think I am coming out on the other side of that thanks to wordpress and not feeling so alone with my thoughts. I need to take serious responsibility for my body and health. I have been totally neglecting my body and mind for two years now. I honestly just did not care about myself, I mean, I really don’t right now either. So i’m going to make a couple of confessions right now, and they might sound really pathetic or sad but hey, what the hell.

What’s the point? I mean, who really gives a shit about what I look like? No one. I mean, they might but well, who cares? So they look at me and make a split second judgement and them move on with their lives right? So then I think, well I have more important things to think about and focusing on myself and feeling hot is just not a priority, right? Or am I way off (I think to myself), maybe the problem is just that. That if I felt better about myself I just might feel better and then I would be a better mom. Then I feel like crap and think about how crappy of a mom I must have been for the past two years or whatever. I don’t even want to say how much I weigh, well I honestly can’t because I honestly don’t know. Lets just say I feel chubby and I know I look chubby and to make it worse, I don’t fit in any of my clothes. I have that sad depressed girl look about me, the one where you only wear sweatshirts and yoga pants. I’m not kidding. I need to break out of this I feel sorry for myself funk. I was raring to go after I had Lennon, I got right on the treadmill and took responsibility for my pregnancy weight gain damn it! Back when that seemed to be a priority, but is it now? I think it just might be. I need to feel better, because if I don’t feel good then its more likely i’m putting those not so good feelings onto Lennon and i’m not being the best mom I can be. Thats the funny thing about depression and anxiety though. The last thing you want to do is get on the treadmill or give up sleep when sometimes that’s your only escape. J would probably crap his pants if I all of the sudden got my ass up and said, “i’m working out and i’m not going to eat like shit today!” he would be like, “who the hell are you?”.

Yup, sounds like I need a change. I’m going to go blub away now.

Regrets.

16 Feb

I probably shouldn’t ever post anything late at night. After midnight, this girl is not posting anything, its like a gremlins thing, or not. Actually its nothing like gremlins. I just like gremlins. Ok…

Well I seem to regret about half of the things I post, I think its because this is really my only outlet, whoever is reading my blog well, they know a lot more about me than pretty much anyone else. I have some really really scary and sad thoughts and I guess that’s why I started blogging, because I thought if I got it out on here then maybe I wouldn’t be alone with these thoughts. Like I said before, I’m hoping awhile from now, and who knows how long it will be, that i’ll feel better. That L will have a mom that is all there or maybe that’s hoping for too much, maybe I’ll be more there than I am now. Anyway, I am completely open to any kind of advice anyone wants to give me. I would love to hear your stories especially if you have dealt with an autism diagnoses (if your child has been diagnosed with autism) or what led up to the autism diagnoses for your child. What process did you go though? How did you feel? How did you deal with your feelings? I would appreciate it so much. Seriously guys.

My email address is elehma01@baker.edu (hopefully its not a big no no to display your email address on your blog… oh well. Yay spam!)

I also want to clear something up. I am not this huge mopey creature that just blobs around and cries. Although that does sound pretty sexy… I am happy sometimes. I’m not anxious all the time. The last two years have been the most difficult of my life, but part of me is still here and that part of me still has a little bit of life left in it. I just don’t want to sound like I whine all the time, I don’t. J (my fiance) is the only person in my life that knows that much about how I feel, I don’t go to a therapist (hopefully that will change soon) and I don’t discuss my feelings with my friends or family. I have one or two times, i’ve called my mom crying, but what can they really do? So I don’t lay all of this shit on them all the time, I try to be ok. So I guess what i’m trying to say is this; this blog is my outlet and because it is my outlet, its going to sound horribly depressing sometimes. You have been warned. 

Structure. We need structure.

10 Feb

It was actually hard for me to come back and face my blog today, I was in a painful place when I wrote the first post. Its honest though, so that’s a good thing. Not much of me is very honest anymore, I mean, the way I act around 99 percent of the population. I act weird and not myself. Plain and simple.

I was just on google looking for structured schedules to go by for L. I have no idea where to begin or what to work on sometimes, it’s completely overwhelming. On top of that its winter so most of out outdoor activities are out the window. There are certain ways to reinforce good behavior and stimulate speech in children with autism and it can be extremely overwhelming thinking about all of the ways you could be failing your child. Are you getting too much for him without him prompting you first? Are you just doing too much for him to the point that it’s hurting him and not helping him? Are you over stimulating him and confusing him because you are asking too many questions? Are you hindering his development because you aren’t asking him enough questions? Example, you two are playing with fire trucks, do you just make the noise for the fire truck and say “fire truck” or do you say “Fire truck L, what color is this? What noise does it make? Do you want to ride on the fire truck?” I mean, was that too much? What if he only took in part of that sentence and the rest of it is just jumbling things up and making him overwhelmed about the fire truck?

These are the things that go through my head every day. I get so overwhelmed that I just shut down. I get overwhelmed at the amount of learning opportunities and the amount that we might be missing out on because I might be doing the wrong things. I know I need guidance and L needs structure. We need to call the insurance company stat and get this stuff figured out. It’s ridiculous that I am dealing with this stuff on my own and with minimal knowledge on how to deal with it. On top of that you all know… my anxiety is debilitating. Hopefully in around a months time, I can take care of that. I will finally have insurance so I can take care of myself and in turn take better care of L. That needs to be a priority.

I have started in on a new activity or I guess sort of toned down obsession. I have been staying up extremely late, trolling pinterest and YouTube for sad but inspiring stories. The sadder the better. Last night I found a story about a little boy who is like 3 years old and has terminal cancer. The parents were crying and talking about trying to be strong and just holding him and doing all they can in the time they have left. I just stared, tears rolling down my face thinking about his little body and the time he will never get to spend with his parents and his siblings. It’s not fair. Maybe I just need to understand and see that there are others out there that have it way way worse. They somehow survive these situations. I don’t know if I could find the strength. My journey with L has been very complicated and I think I would feel way to guilty to survive if he wasn’t around which I hope will never happen because I would never be able to handle it. He is my reason for living and that is the absolute truth. I have no idea what I would do going through what I have been going through if he wasn’t here, I don’t know if I would be here. Thats scary to say but really, I am struggling. After watching what I watched last night I felt different this morning. Sure I was extremely tired but I realized that yes, L most likely has autism but you know what, it’s not cancer. Those poor parents have to watch their children fade away right in front of them and there is nothing they can really do to help and they are stronger than I could ever hope to be. I, however, have the opportunity to help L and change the course of his life, but this fact is also what paralyzes me. That is a huge amount of responsibility and more than a lot of other parents have to face. Sure parents have to teach their children of course they do, but not like I do. I am struggling with this. I am so lost. Hopefully the next time I talk to you (whoever you are out there) I will be able to say that I have a clear plan for L, because right now we are in limbo. He has not been diagnosed but he’s so close to being diagnosed. Its hard to say the least. Hopefully, clearer days ahead.

First post.This is the 33924892308448th time i’ve started a blog.

3 Feb

So i’ve been scouring the internet. Something I do when I know i’m finally alone, when I can finally indulge my urges to know more about what I don’t want to know. Searches. Key words- autism, depression, parenting while depressed, parenting with anxiety. I feel so completely alone, its hard to explain how alone I feel. The weird smile plastered on my face at all times, even when I talk about L (my son) and what we’re going through. So fake, its almost not fake anymore.

I feel angry, I feel angry that i’m the only one who does this, that worries until I feel like I’m dying when i’m not the only one who loves him. Why do I have to go through this so alone? Well, quite a bit of that is my fault. I completely shut people off because, wait for it, I have severe anxiety and depression. I said it all dumb like that because its like i’m the only one who knows this, even though there are people that talk to me and are around me a lot that seem to ignore this or just don’t really care. How could they care? If they did wouldn’t they come right out and say it? Erin, you don’t look good/right? Erin why don’t you ever do anything anymore or hang out with anyone ever? Why is this completely ignored when my parents especially know that i’ve been going through it for so long? I’ve completely lost myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know why I did that. I don’t know why… I got pregnant and had L and its like I just said, shit, my life doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t know why I did that, and I am NOT blaming L for that. I am blaming myself, I just didn’t know how to handle it. Even with medication after he was born, I just wasn’t quite sure. Then, the complications, the delays, autism diagnoses looming over our heads for the past 2 years without a definite answer. No insurance so I had to drop my meds and have been free of them for about two years, which is horrible and its like finding out you have an illness and just saying, well i’m not going to treat it. That’s what I’ve done to myself. I guess mental illness is illness, but I really don’t feel like it is to be honest because I feel so ashamed of it. I feel ashamed of it because its like i’m walking around with it and no one wants to say I am or realize it. They are ignoring it just like I try to on a daily basis, so I guess, who can blame them? Then I sit there, on the couch, on the verge of tears every 30 minutes because I feel like or I know i’m failing him. I feel like a horrible mother.

I have so much anxiety about others and about driving that we really don’t go that many places, unless J is home then he’ll drive. Even then its hard because on his days off he doesn’t want to to as much as I want to do. Add onto these things that I feel really horrible about myself and i’m afraid of running into people, I worry an extreme amount about what people think, its not right. It’s completely crazy. Then I feel selfish that I feel this way and that its holding L back so I feel a million times worse. That’s what I go through all day and most of the night. I am afraid to live and I am afraid to die. Its a horrible spot to be in and I feel like a piece of shit because I am responsible for the development of my son and I feel like I am failing miserably.

I am this horrible thing. I feel like a clone of myself that just didn’t go quite right. I look in the mirror and wonder if its really me and I wake up and wonder if this is really my life. I’m not kidding. I have a serious problem with reality. I go in and out of it quite a bit and feel like i’m not really here. I feel really bad for anyone reading this actually, they are probably like shit, this girl is really messed up or they are thinking wow, grow some balls and change your life. I wish it were that easy. I am buried under years and years of fucked up thoughts, some of them even reinforced by the people who are supposed to love me. This is my cry for help, because I am crying out in every way I really know how. I don’t know how anyone will find this, as I will not advertise it. At least, not right away. I am hoping this will turn into a comeback story. A story about me turing it all around. So I have at least a tiny bit of hope, that the person I was is still in there somewhere. Its been so long though, since I have felt the least bit like myself or successful in any way. I used to paint, I used to run, I used to laugh and I used to have fun. I was crazy and I was fun to be around, I was who I wanted to be, well here and there. I miss myself. I want to be an awesome mom and not someone who feels like they are peering at their son through wax paper. Its like I can’t connect with him and this fucking thing is in between us.

Other people that I don’t know very well are starting to notice i’m not quite right, and that is my worst fear. My neighbor has a daughter that is in L’s program, she lives right across the street. Ever since I started putting L on the bus, we have bumped into each other and we have said a few times that we need to get L and her daughter together, but it never goes further than that. She has invited me to stop over and everything, but I can’t bring myself to do it, and it is one of the biggest things I have felt guilty about. I feel guilty because I should be a normal human being and just be able to go over to someones house and connect with them. Instead, i’m afraid of going over there once, completely break down in front of her about whats going on with me because its always on my mind and then she will be like wow, this girl is pathetic. I fear not having sympathy but just having all of these judgements. Or, she might want to hang out all the time, and how can I do that? How can I do that when I don’t want to leave the house and have other people see my gross face and be around my weird depressed personality? I can’t do that. I need to keep it this way. Then, I get worried the longer I put it off, the more and more she will doubt that she ever wants to hang out with me and L and it will just never happen, even when i’m better. Then I feel extremely guilty, or some kind of feeling beyond guilt that I have cost L a friend. Someone he could’ve bonded with.

Then I want to die and the cycle starts again.