Sometimes, this just seems way too self-involved.

17 Mar

I just started crying, but I cut myself off and stopped as fast as I could. If it were possible for someone to see me just then, they probably would have laughed because I can only imagine how funny that looked. Sob sob, then nothing. Straight face.

Sometimes I feel like this blog is just made up entirely of rants. That it sounds like, feel sorry for me! Feel sorry for me pleeeease! Every time I write on here, I hope to god (or whatever is up there) that no one I know finds this. It would be very eye opening to everyone though.

So, grand parent involvement. This is how the sob started. I just wish I felt like they cared enough to try. Its so half assed, or is it quarter assed? Ha… More like quarter assed. Usually, when children are going through tough times and they know about it, parents are running to assist their children, well, at least good parents do. My parents aren’t even themselves anymore. Ever since they got divorced five years ago its just like well, they think, time for me now and nothing else. Time for me and my significant other. I don’t care if my daughter needs her mom and needs her father, we gave her enough time while she was growing up. Hell, I don’t even care if they spend time with me! Just take the time to spend time with your grandson, he needs you! I just feel really messed up about it sometimes because I know, I KNOW that, if they were still together… they would be here all the time. If they would have stayed together and didn’t run out and find other people, they would be here and be awesome grandparents. I know that might sound selfish, but my mom was especially involved in our lives while we were growing up. She always wanted to spend time with us, us meaning my brother, sister, and I. Whenever I would go and stay at a friends house like on a Friday night, right away in the morning on Saturday she would be like, i’m coming to get you soon. I think its because she was so lonely on weekends because my parents were pretty much leading separate lives, they rarely did anything fun together. Well anyway, so i’m just having a hard time adjusting to my “new” parents. I just really really need them right now. Lennon needs them. I wish they knew that.

Baby number two?

13 Mar

I really really want to have another baby, but, I’m also pretty scared. I really don’t want to wait much longer. Lennon will be four in a few months and if we got pregnant around that time Lennon will be almost five by the time the baby arrives. I’ve always wanted two kids, I also wanted to have two children closer together but, things change and things turn out differently than you think sometimes. I’m glad I was able to spend this much time focusing on just Lennon, but I think he could really benefit from having a sibling. However, he really needs to work on how close he gets to others and respect the baby’s personal space. I’m pretty worried about that, we’ll just have to work on it. Well, there are a few things we really need to work on:

1. Potty training. This will be a great help when we have a newborn and although it will be very difficult, I think it can be done. I think… I mean, Lennon’s communication hasn’t been that great, and he still doesn’t seem to notice when he goes. He could run around forever with a poopy diaper and not care. Not a good sign, but we’ll work on it.

2. Lennon has a tendency to run away from me or bolt, that (obviously) scares the HELL out of me! And with a baby in tow, a million times worse.

3. And, like I said above, Lennon likes to poke and get into other peoples personal space. My best friend brought her baby over not too long ago for the first time and Lennon tried to stick his finger in her mouth and was just all up in her business. It can be worked on, he knows what NO means and I think if I say it enough times I will get through to him on this issue. I know he understands when I don’t want him to do something because well, he wont do it or when he does, he gives me this look. You all know it i’m sure, when it comes to the simple no’s, he gets it. But the running away from me thing, that’s a little bit more complex and we have a long ways to go on that one.

4. Outings. Like I said before, Lennon has a hard time staying with me so most of the time I hold his hand when we are walking around at the store or just in areas where he could get really hurt if he got away from me. How am I going to juggle a newborn and Lennon? What if he gets away from me and i’m left standing there with and infant? It’s kind of hard to sprint with a newborn… 

5. My mental state. I’m pretty up and down right now, some days i’m alright, some days I feel pretty awful. I’m planning to explore alternative methods since I am not going to go on medication right now, especially if we plan on having another baby soon. I just read a great book, its called the Depression Cure, the Six Step Program to Defeat Depression Without Drugs. It’s great and I recommend it to anyone looking for natural treatment options. I haven’t started my treatment yet, but i’m hoping that with enough supplements and exercise I will feel better without having to be medicated. I really don’t want to take medication, but if I can’t find some kind of relief from my depression and anxiety naturally, then I can’t see myself wanting to get pregnant anytime soon. 

I really need advice! How do you all do it?! How do you even leave the house with more than one child? Especially if one doesn’t listen so well? If anyone could help me out with this it would be awesome! Ease my mind a little bit! Lennon can communicate, well he does sometimes. He does have some language and I can get his attention but I have to repeat things quite a bit and usually at a high volume. I feel bad about yelling sometimes, well I guess its not yelling but its speaking loudly. If I don’t though it can be hard to get his attention. So, I just need some advice on how you handle outings with your kids on the spectrum and your little ones who aren’t even able to walk yet. Thanks so much! 

Sooner than you think.

7 Mar

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I really love this tattoo. It’s definitely something I would get, it seems a little morbid, but to me it’s just familiar. I think about the meaning of life and death more than any sane person should. I’m afraid to live and I’m afraid to die. That is the perfect way to describe my current state. I get so paralyzed because I am overwhelmed with my thoughts that it seems that I am actually, literally, paralyzed. I just sit and stare off and wonder and daydream. I sit and I think about what I fear, then I get disgusted with myself. Then, I get even more mad and disgusted because I want to make Lennon’s life and mine as great and full as possible, but I can’t do that. I just can’t right now. I hate admitting I CAN’T do something. I am a little ways from getting help right now.

I think maybe I had to hit bottom before I could really open my eyes and enjoy life. Actually, I had to hit bottom and then scrape along it for around 2 years. Now I’m looking up and just barely seeing signs of light and hope. I have horrible horrible self-esteem problems. It’s hard for me to even make sense of my thoughts when it comes to how I view myself or how I think others view me. I feel really lame even discussing self-esteem or self-confidence because I’m sure everyone has their fair share of problems, but seriously, my issues seem so completely insane. It all started when I was really young. My parents are very critical people when it comes to looks. I was compared a lot to others. I was stopped sometimes when I would try to leave the house without certain products on my face. My mom would ask if I was planning on wearing mascara when I was about to go out and see my then boyfriend. So yeah, it’s just stuff like that. It sticks with you and you just never forget.

So then my thoughts started to mutate. I would think, so you’re telling me I look like crap without makeup on right? No one will want to see me without it? My boyfriend will think I’m ugly? You are my mother and you think I need this? I don’t know. This is one small example and I’m not willing to get into any more than that. My parents provided me with a lot. However, they did a horrible job when it came to building any kind of self-confidence in me whatsoever.

Anyway, so if you’ve read anything I’ve written previously then you already know I’m struggling with my weight right now. I think it must have something to do with the fact that I’ve been off of my medication for the past two years, which is the longest I’ve ever gone. I just cracked. I could not handle what was going on in my life plus the full onset of depression and anxiety without medication. So anyway, I wont get into all of that right now.

The main reason for this particular post is the discussion of time and how I’m spending mine. I feel like I’m wasting away. I feel like a shitty mom. I feel like I could be filling our days with all of these fun, exciting activities. Instead, I am glued to this house and I am a prisoner of my own mind and fear. Life is so so short. The end is sooner than we think, and I just fear someday I will look back on this time and regret it.

On a completely random note, I took the following picture a few years ago right after my prescription was upped to 150mg. My pupils are HUGE  and it looks like I am some kind of scared animal about to have a massive heart attack! Does anyone else experience that who is on medication? It’s really embarrassing and it looks like you are on crack or something, that’s pretty much the last thing I want people to think ha ha, so, any advice?!

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Ahh! Scary! On a completely unrelated note, still wish I was that in shape but oh well… I’ll get there.

I’m going to talk about something I hate talking about now. Ugh.

3 Mar
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If I went and weighed myself right now, my scale would totally say this. Also, it would cry… if that were possible.

My weight. I absolutely despise talking about weight, diets and etc. I just don’t want to feel like one of “those women”. You know, the ones who should get an fing hobby because that is ALL they talk about. It’s like, do you have anything else to say? Any other interesting or intelligent thoughts running through your brain? No? That’s what I thought.

So I’ve tried to be strong, I’ve tried to ignore it because I have been for so long now, but I can’t anymore. I have to get this out there. I am so unhappy with the amount of weight i’ve gained in the last two years. It’s probably like 40 lbs by now. That is such a scary thing to type. You see, this is the longest I have ever gone without medication, couple that with the “autism stuff” that we just started to discuss around two years ago and well, its not so hard to see why. I know I know its like, boo hoo me right? Well, i’m trying hard not to be like that, I think I am coming out on the other side of that thanks to wordpress and not feeling so alone with my thoughts. I need to take serious responsibility for my body and health. I have been totally neglecting my body and mind for two years now. I honestly just did not care about myself, I mean, I really don’t right now either. So i’m going to make a couple of confessions right now, and they might sound really pathetic or sad but hey, what the hell.

What’s the point? I mean, who really gives a shit about what I look like? No one. I mean, they might but well, who cares? So they look at me and make a split second judgement and them move on with their lives right? So then I think, well I have more important things to think about and focusing on myself and feeling hot is just not a priority, right? Or am I way off (I think to myself), maybe the problem is just that. That if I felt better about myself I just might feel better and then I would be a better mom. Then I feel like crap and think about how crappy of a mom I must have been for the past two years or whatever. I don’t even want to say how much I weigh, well I honestly can’t because I honestly don’t know. Lets just say I feel chubby and I know I look chubby and to make it worse, I don’t fit in any of my clothes. I have that sad depressed girl look about me, the one where you only wear sweatshirts and yoga pants. I’m not kidding. I need to break out of this I feel sorry for myself funk. I was raring to go after I had Lennon, I got right on the treadmill and took responsibility for my pregnancy weight gain damn it! Back when that seemed to be a priority, but is it now? I think it just might be. I need to feel better, because if I don’t feel good then its more likely i’m putting those not so good feelings onto Lennon and i’m not being the best mom I can be. Thats the funny thing about depression and anxiety though. The last thing you want to do is get on the treadmill or give up sleep when sometimes that’s your only escape. J would probably crap his pants if I all of the sudden got my ass up and said, “i’m working out and i’m not going to eat like shit today!” he would be like, “who the hell are you?”.

Yup, sounds like I need a change. I’m going to go blub away now.

Awesome.

2 Mar

So Lennon’s teacher called today. She explained that those who are responsible for changing Lennon’s diapers will now be doing so so he doesn’t come home with a soaking wet diaper.

Nice. Thanks.

Went on Amazon, searched Autism in books trying to find something helpful for our journey, this one was on the first page. 

http://www.amazon.com/Myth-Autism-Misunderstood-Epidemic-Destroying/dp/1616081716/ref=sr_1_12?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1362197276&sr=1-12&keywords=autism

Thanks Amazon. Thanks a lot. 

Emailed my best friend about my current state of mind, not feeling very well, i’m worried about the upcoming diagnosis. She reads it but doesn’t respond (I know this because Facebook tells you when something is read… pretty creepy). Get a text from her the next day saying I should count my blessings because blah blah blah worse story about child that had something worse.

Kind of understand where she’s coming from but, seriously? Any caring words? Words of kindness or encouragement?

No? 

Ok cool. Thanks.

Financial woes.

27 Feb

I’m kind of freaking out. I’ll be done with school this summer and I have quite a bit of student loan debt. I’ll have to start paying it back six months after I’m done, and I am freaking out. Seriously. Here are some reasons for my current state of mind-
– Lennon has not been diagnosed yet and I have no idea how much it’s going to cost.
– My fiancé works and does ok, you could say we are “middle class” but he also has quite a bit of student loans.
– So after Lennon gets diagnosed, I know there will be extra therapies beyond going to school we will be going to. I have no idea how much these will cost or how often we will be going, but what does that mean for me as far as finding employment? I’m assuming we’ll have to go to these during the week, so how do you maintain a good standing at work and go to therapies?
– I have no idea where Lennon will go to daycare because he only goes to school half days, four days a week. There aren’t any daycare centers around here I would even consider, well, there is one but it has a crazy huge wait list I mean, one so long it’s pretty ridiculous. I am afraid of Lennon being away from me for an entire day. How will he handle this? I don’t even want to think about it.
– To explain my situation a little further well, I began my journey with school and loans and whatnot before I got pregnant. I’m 25 now and when I got pregnant with Lennon I was 21 and I had just started in on a new program/degree path at school. If I would have known then what I know now, well, I probably would have dropped out to keep my amount if debt low so I could have stayed home with Lennon and then I wouldn’t have to worry about what I have worry about now. I mean really, stay in school kids! It’s just my situation that’s a little different and sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have ever paid soo much money for school. Oh well. Woulda coulda shoulda.

Can anyone help me out? What is your situation when it comes to balancing work and everything else? Are your children (who have autism) in school and daycare? How are they handling it?

Thanks guys (and gals)! I’m just really freaking out thinking about all this upcoming stuff… I’m not sure what to do.

I’m not sorry.

25 Feb

I really don’t feel sorry that i’ve been sad. I wont apologize for it. In the world we live in today and all of the people I have surrounding me that are supposed to support me and make me feel better that are so ill informed about autism, well, it’s no wonder that I would be scared and sad and fear it before L gets his diagnosis. So shoot me.

Do I want to feel this way? No, obviously not. I get scared reading what I read online I get angry and sad seeing the looks on my families faces when they think they are telling me something “useful” to help me understand what might happen in the future. I have the wall of doubt and misinformation to break through before I come out on the other side and see all the hope there is to see. I feel like I am being judged for telling MY STORY like it is, and that most of what is out there right now is negative. Negativity about autism is everywhere. Those of us that are asking all of the questions and trying to feel everything we want to feel instead of becoming these “warriors” well, we are facing a tough fight. 

A fight that actually begins with complete acceptance, which sounds weird but its true. I haven’t completed that step in my journey yet, I am still full of fear and a lot of sadness. Sadness that is caused mostly by what’s going on in my brain though, its not sadness because of my son, although, I do worry about things like the way people treat him or will treat him and stuff I can’t possibly control. Anyways, I feel like I am still taking baby steps in my journey through this huge wall of fear that the media puts out there and that I manifest in my irrational mind.

I’ve been fed this fear and fed this fear and now I am supposed to unthink it all. Fear that was fed to me even before I got pregnant. The reason I started this blog was to be blatantly honest about my feelings and to work through this fear and come out of it with hope. I love my son so much that words to describe fail me, but because of that love, I fear the world he lives in and what it will do to him because he might not always “fit in”. That is my biggest fear, I just want him to be happy. That is what I hope for him, all of the happiness in the world. 

However I feel that I am standing in the way, with my fear, my depression, my anxiety and just all of it. All of it. 

I would like to ask now, if you are reading this and you are further along in your journey with autism and you are offended by anything I say, well, try not to be. I am just working through my fear and my feelings. I am sure from the get go, when you started realizing you might be headed for diagnosis or just received your child’s diagnosis, that you were fearful too. If you feel you can help, then please, do so. If you feel I am wrong, then tell me but please, be constructive because I would really appreciate it. Ok. Thank you.