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Just feeling… off.

13 Jul

I’m feeling a little messed up.

On a positive note, we’ve started OT and speech therapy. I am really excited and I’ve seen and heard really good things during Lennon’s therapy sessions. We’ve only had two, but so far, so good. He gets really excited, and he communicates his needs so much better/more. It’s awesome!!

On a not so positive note, I don’t know… I’m feeling kind of… off. I feel like somethings missing. I feel like I’m wasting away, I feel disconnected from my partner, I feel like a weird withered version of myself. I feel like this most often. Then, all of a sudden I’ll feel happy and positive. I am so up and down. It’s been hard. How do we parent when we don’t feel grounded? When we feel like we don’t know what will set us off emotionally?

I really need to talk to a professional or find some moms around here that are in similar situations. Preferably moms who are in similar situations, since we are stretched pretty thin right now financially with all of the therapies. I don’t know. I really don’t know where this is going, or where I wanted to go with this. I guess I am just having one of my down moments right now and I have to find ways to keep my emotions level. I feel like almost everyone around me has been pissing me off lately haha really, it’s not cool. I really hate feeling that way because no one is perfect, but I just can feel how selfish everyone is lately. I feel like it’s just in our nature as humans, I even feel selfish right now. I feel like I need something, like I’m missing something. I feel selfish thinking that. How many of you out there, I mean, how many special needs moms out there have time for serious hobbies? Do you ever feel really disconnected from yourself, if that makes sense? What do you do to feel fulfilled so you can be there for your family? I feel like, when I feel disconnected from myself and I am not meeting my personal needs, that I am not a very good mom. That I lose that happiness that spreads to everyone around me, you know? I don’t know haha I feel like I keep saying that during this post, but I am just throwing thoughts out into the universe, not knowing if anyone really knows what I’m talking about, or if they even really care. I better stop now. This is all over the place. Hopefully the next time I check in with everyone, things will be a little bit better.

P.S. When I talk about hobbies and what not, I’m talking about art. I used to love to draw, paint, sketch, etc. Here’s something I did the other day. I love the Paper App for the Ipad. This is just a bird doodle I did a few days ago.

Bird sketch- Paper App for Ipad

Bird sketch Paper App for Ipad

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Hiatus and our definitive answer.

19 May

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So. I kind of took a little bit of a (much needed) break from writing there, didn’t I? The school informed me or as the school social worker put it, “warned me” that Lennon was getting the school diagnosis of ASD. Yeah, I know, you don’t have to “warn” me. I just want to hear some good things from the group at the meeting. That’s all. I really want to hear a plan and I want to form a plan and schedule for the summer to continue his learning experience as much as possible. I mean, obviously. He needs the structure and I pretty much hate it haha but Lennon needs it, so structure here we come.

In other news, the old SO and I got married! We are planning a party in the fall but I desperately needed insurance! So, of course, I dragged his booty to the court house whether he liked it or not (sarcasm). I’m a married woman, alright?! I’m the boss. Hahaha ok I’m done…

But seriously, people should be scared of me. I’m getting stronger and I’m not taking anymore bullshit. I am serious. I am sick of the judgements, the stupid suggestions and what ever other ignorant shit you want to throw at me. Do some research and grow your compassion muscle a little bit before you talk to me, or you’ll probably get an earful and you’ll be sorry. End rant. I am happy and strong and about to get a little extra boost from my Effexor.

Watch out.

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Huh?

14 May

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How does one answer such a question?

Hello therapy!

14 Apr

Thank you wordpress, for giving me a place to vent. Oh lordy, I need it right now. 

Lennon’s teacher is giving me so much anxiety, I can barely take it. I have called her three times now and I also sent her an email, this has been over three weeks. One of those weeks was spring break though, so I guess i’ll give her a break with that one, but seriously. I know she has gotten my messages. She called me and left me a message about Lennons evaluation, or rather, that they finally decided he should have one. I have brought this up to them a few times before. To the speech therapists before school started and to Lennons teacher. I just feel if he can get evaluated through the school, then that is definitely the best way. They actually know him, i’d rather have them do it than some doctor who has only been in his presence for a couple of hours. So anyway I missed her call three weeks ago… dammit. Why oh why did I do that? Why?! Now I am suffering and I know i’ll have to walk my ass in there because apparently I am being ignored.

These are the things that bother me. Its things like this. Its other people and its me. I have problems dealing with things because I desperately need therapy (which I am very close to getting) and other people constantly let me down that are supposed to help me and help Lennon. How is it that everyone I came in contact with from the school seemed so unable to help me? Couldn’t they tell I was so scared and confused? When speech therapists come to your home from the school for the first couple of times, they should tell you exactly what to do. They are the first “knowledgeable” people you come into contact with when you first have questions about your child’s possible diagnoses and their development.

They should say, we know you are worried, you are scared and confused. Here is a list of resources that may be of some help. Here is a list of support groups, this is how you go about receiving help. Nope. That is not at all what happens. Then I call Lennons teacher and wonder, where can I receive support? I ask about the evaluation and she tells me they usually only do one after years of him being in the program. You have to be kidding me! I don’t expect everyone at the school to KNOW EVERYTHING I just expect them to know the basic things that will help families. Not frustrate and confuse them. 

It seems that everything I ask is met with a “oh, I don’t know” kind of response. Do you recommend any day care facilities in the area? Do you know where I can get Lennon evaluated? Do you know how I can go about doing that through the school? 

“oh, I don’t know”

Wow. 

Seriously, someone give me a manual on how to deal with the school! Also, the whole not calling me back or emailing me back thing! How about a courtesy call? Just tell me you don’t have time to answer my questions right now and you’ll get back to me soon, anything, please. I have not been crazy towards her, I have just been asking simple questions I expect her to know, I ask her nicely. My email was just like, hey, I have called you a couple of times, i’m sure you’re busy but I just want to know more about the eval you left me a message about. I left my cell number (which she definitely already has). That was it. So what in the hell gives?? If they are too busy to call parents back then they should not be doing what they are doing. I didn’t even freak out on her about the diaper changing thing. I was WAY too nice about that. I don’t even know why. 

What are my rights here? Do I need an advocate or am I advocate enough, because I feel like i’m failing miserably. 

On a different planet.

5 Apr

Some days I feel like Lennon and I are on two different planets. This is definitely not anyone’s fault, but sometimes I just feel really out of step with how he’s feeling or how I should react to things. Today for example, I had a butt load of cleaning to do because I broke my toe not too long ago and our house just ugh, just felt disgusting. I had a lot of catch up to do. Lennon is home on spring break and is NOT loving it. I’m not really loving it either! Lennon loves school and his classmates, so this really isn’t a very fun time. Limping mommy + no school = unhappy and bored Lennon. 

So yeah, I attempted to get all of my crap done today which takes about twice the time since i’m limping all over. Lennon was very interested in what I was doing and was getting very close to the vaccum. He has gotten hit with before because he was behind me and I was swinging it around like a crazy. So every time he’s around it now I’m like excuse me Lennon, watch out Lennon you’ll get hurt! So I was saying this to him over and over and he was just so… well, just kind of out of sorts today. He was not listening what-so-ever.

I don’t know, long story short he was getting in the way of things that could hurt him. Like trying to grab knives out of dishwasher while I was filling it up, trying to run out into the road while I was trying to rake the leaves left over from autumn… ugh. We don’t have our fence up yet because we were still doing construction on our house into the fall. So yeah, just one thing after the other. Sometimes I just want to go, ok, crappy messy house? Oh well. Lets play and forget it. I could not do that today, I get in a horrible mood when my house is messy, I couldn’t let it go. So today was an off day. 

Mommy was on planet clean and Lennon was on planet bored and clingy. Today was DEFINITELY one of those days where Lennon had selective hearing. I had to repeat everything over and over. I’m used to repeating things a few times, but today was different. I’d say its even one of the most “off” days we’ve had. Poor Lennon, this was not about him at all, this was about me. Why didn’t I just throw in the towel and concentrate oh him? I just lost it, I hate feeling like I can’t do anything. I just HAD to clean the house today. I definitely felt like a failure today, I couldn’t make him happy and I was just losing my patience. Its ok though, at least that’s what I keep telling myself. There are a lot of factors that led up to today so it will get better. “Hubby” has the day off tomorrow so we’re going to the zoo or the butterfly exhibit that’s going on around here, so even if I might be hobbling, He will at least be able to pick up my slack! 

Here’s to tomorrow being a better day! 

Oh and on a completely random note, I’ve been taking a lot of fish oil lately and I swear it’s really lifting my mood! Google it! Fish oil is supposedly a natural treatment for depression so I started taking it a couple of weeks ago and I definitely feel better! So, give it a try people!

Forgiveness.

1 Apr

How do you forgive? How do you forgive someone who impacted your life in a negative way when you were young and you are still trying to recover? How do you forgive someone who was supposed to love you unconditionally but you felt their love was conditional? 

Do you tell them so many years later that you feel this way? I just don’t know if i’m doing the wrong thing. That maybe I should try and let these feelings go without telling these very important people that they hurt me so badly that I can’t function like a normal human being and just go to the store without wondering if people are thinking… things. I mean, should you really just let someone off the hook if they’ve impacted your life in this way? What do they even say for themselves like 14 years later? Do they deny it? How will that make me feel if they do, even worse? I realize this whole post is in question form haha but really. I just can’t stop thinking about these things. That the two people who were supposed to love me and care for me more than anything made me feel like this object, well then how am I supposed to trust anyone else who I ever come in contact with? How will any other human being ever think of me in a good way if the people who were supposed to love me unconditionally judged me so harshly? I want to stop thinking about these things. Maybe I should just let them go, apology or not. That’s hard for me to think about though, that feels wrong… or maybe my thought process is completely wrong.

Random things that bother me…

18 Mar

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-Girls that just loove long nails but have no fucking clue why they do. Have you ever thought about why in the hell you would ever want to grow these long “feminine” nails that serve absolutely no purpose? It’s one of those things girls do just because someone told them they should or they thought they looked cool so they decided to spend an obscene amount of money tending to them. What in the hell. Don’t long nails get in the way ladies? How are long talon fingers attractive and useful? I would rather die than spend 40 dollars on a fake set of nails (or however much it costs) and then go, “oh my gosh guys, I broke a nail!”. Never. Gonna. Happen.

-Why in the world do people in movies and TV shows sit on beds and couches and put their feet up on them with their shoes on?! Gross. If anyone ever put their germy, public bathroom, chewed gum shoes where I sleep, well, shit would go down. I sleep on that bed you crazy! I relax and lay my head on that couch! Ugh. Please tell me this never happens in real life and this is just something they do in the movies.

-People who say things like :

“Oh this is Lennon’s class? They look so normal.” – Someone looking at Lennon’s class picture. No explanation needed.

“…you should talk to her. She has four kids on the spectrum and she would give you good insight. She’s also really worried for her children when they decide to start having kids.” -So why is she so worried? If she’s so worried and obviously has a really hard time and can’t stand taking care of four kinds on the spectrum well, why did she have four? Poor kids.

“Well at least Lennon doesn’t have a physical disability. It also helps that he’s so darn cute!” -Umm… Speechless.

Those are just a few awesome examples from the past couple of days. DAYS.

-People who comment on other people’s weight CONSTANTLY. Listen. I’ve never weighed this much in my life, and you bet your ass I’m aware of that. If you haven’t noticed, I’m dealing with some pretty hard things right now, so I would really fucking appreciate it if you would back off or at least act like you care. Maybe ask me how I’m doing instead. Thanks!

-If I never hear anything like this again, it will be too soon.

“I’d like to see the tea party get strong.”

I just laughed internally and then barfed in my mouth a little bit.

Goodnight.