Sooner than you think.

7 Mar

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I really love this tattoo. It’s definitely something I would get, it seems a little morbid, but to me it’s just familiar. I think about the meaning of life and death more than any sane person should. I’m afraid to live and I’m afraid to die. That is the perfect way to describe my current state. I get so paralyzed because I am overwhelmed with my thoughts that it seems that I am actually, literally, paralyzed. I just sit and stare off and wonder and daydream. I sit and I think about what I fear, then I get disgusted with myself. Then, I get even more mad and disgusted because I want to make Lennon’s life and mine as great and full as possible, but I can’t do that. I just can’t right now. I hate admitting I CAN’T do something. I am a little ways from getting help right now.

I think maybe I had to hit bottom before I could really open my eyes and enjoy life. Actually, I had to hit bottom and then scrape along it for around 2 years. Now I’m looking up and just barely seeing signs of light and hope. I have horrible horrible self-esteem problems. It’s hard for me to even make sense of my thoughts when it comes to how I view myself or how I think others view me. I feel really lame even discussing self-esteem or self-confidence because I’m sure everyone has their fair share of problems, but seriously, my issues seem so completely insane. It all started when I was really young. My parents are very critical people when it comes to looks. I was compared a lot to others. I was stopped sometimes when I would try to leave the house without certain products on my face. My mom would ask if I was planning on wearing mascara when I was about to go out and see my then boyfriend. So yeah, it’s just stuff like that. It sticks with you and you just never forget.

So then my thoughts started to mutate. I would think, so you’re telling me I look like crap without makeup on right? No one will want to see me without it? My boyfriend will think I’m ugly? You are my mother and you think I need this? I don’t know. This is one small example and I’m not willing to get into any more than that. My parents provided me with a lot. However, they did a horrible job when it came to building any kind of self-confidence in me whatsoever.

Anyway, so if you’ve read anything I’ve written previously then you already know I’m struggling with my weight right now. I think it must have something to do with the fact that I’ve been off of my medication for the past two years, which is the longest I’ve ever gone. I just cracked. I could not handle what was going on in my life plus the full onset of depression and anxiety without medication. So anyway, I wont get into all of that right now.

The main reason for this particular post is the discussion of time and how I’m spending mine. I feel like I’m wasting away. I feel like a shitty mom. I feel like I could be filling our days with all of these fun, exciting activities. Instead, I am glued to this house and I am a prisoner of my own mind and fear. Life is so so short. The end is sooner than we think, and I just fear someday I will look back on this time and regret it.

On a completely random note, I took the following picture a few years ago right after my prescription was upped to 150mg. My pupils are HUGE  and it looks like I am some kind of scared animal about to have a massive heart attack! Does anyone else experience that who is on medication? It’s really embarrassing and it looks like you are on crack or something, that’s pretty much the last thing I want people to think ha ha, so, any advice?!

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Ahh! Scary! On a completely unrelated note, still wish I was that in shape but oh well… I’ll get there.

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