I’m not sorry.

25 Feb

I really don’t feel sorry that i’ve been sad. I wont apologize for it. In the world we live in today and all of the people I have surrounding me that are supposed to support me and make me feel better that are so ill informed about autism, well, it’s no wonder that I would be scared and sad and fear it before L gets his diagnosis. So shoot me.

Do I want to feel this way? No, obviously not. I get scared reading what I read online I get angry and sad seeing the looks on my families faces when they think they are telling me something “useful” to help me understand what might happen in the future. I have the wall of doubt and misinformation to break through before I come out on the other side and see all the hope there is to see. I feel like I am being judged for telling MY STORY like it is, and that most of what is out there right now is negative. Negativity about autism is everywhere. Those of us that are asking all of the questions and trying to feel everything we want to feel instead of becoming these “warriors” well, we are facing a tough fight. 

A fight that actually begins with complete acceptance, which sounds weird but its true. I haven’t completed that step in my journey yet, I am still full of fear and a lot of sadness. Sadness that is caused mostly by what’s going on in my brain though, its not sadness because of my son, although, I do worry about things like the way people treat him or will treat him and stuff I can’t possibly control. Anyways, I feel like I am still taking baby steps in my journey through this huge wall of fear that the media puts out there and that I manifest in my irrational mind.

I’ve been fed this fear and fed this fear and now I am supposed to unthink it all. Fear that was fed to me even before I got pregnant. The reason I started this blog was to be blatantly honest about my feelings and to work through this fear and come out of it with hope. I love my son so much that words to describe fail me, but because of that love, I fear the world he lives in and what it will do to him because he might not always “fit in”. That is my biggest fear, I just want him to be happy. That is what I hope for him, all of the happiness in the world. 

However I feel that I am standing in the way, with my fear, my depression, my anxiety and just all of it. All of it. 

I would like to ask now, if you are reading this and you are further along in your journey with autism and you are offended by anything I say, well, try not to be. I am just working through my fear and my feelings. I am sure from the get go, when you started realizing you might be headed for diagnosis or just received your child’s diagnosis, that you were fearful too. If you feel you can help, then please, do so. If you feel I am wrong, then tell me but please, be constructive because I would really appreciate it. Ok. Thank you. 

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2 Responses to “I’m not sorry.”

  1. desireepurvis February 25, 2013 at 12:00 pm #

    It’s perfectly normal to be afraid. I went back and forth – I’d switch between fear, anger, guilt, and doubt about seventy times a day. Fear that all of the things I wanted for him out of life would never happen. That he’d never get a ‘normal’ life. That he’d never have a first date, drive a car, or stay out past curfew. Anger at everyone who refused to listen. Who said I was overreacting or just a ‘new mom’. Anger at the world for allowing this to happen and not giving me answers. Anger at the lack of information, not just of others, but of myself. Guilt because I’d been so uninformed. Did I did this? If I had done x,y, or z differently, would he be like this? I doubted everyone – mostly myself. I doubted I had the strength to face the challenges in front of me.
    And then I did. Every day was a battle, and every day I went to bed wondering if I did enough. My oldest was diagnosed about 3 years ago – and I still go to be every night wondering if I did enough. Wondering if I was tough enough, or too tough.
    And I’m still scared out of my mind. For different reasons now, than when he was first diagnosed. Now I’m afraid he’ll hurt someone. I’m afraid there is something else going on just under the surface, and now we have to run a battery of tests to see if there is. I’m afraid I’ll never truly understand him, and that mostly just breaks my heart.
    Personally, I think being afraid can help sometimes. It keeps us questioning, and bettering ourselves as parents. And if you’re looking at an ASD diagnosis, I’d think you were a lunatic for not being scared. The future becomes this terrifying unknown, and that’s not something most people are comfortable with. But it is also beautful, and fun, and full of adventure. You’ll learn things about yourself, other people, the world, and your child – that you never would have had the chance to learn before.
    Okay, I’m done. I really need to start writing shorter comments lol.

    • eml2187 February 27, 2013 at 5:29 am #

      Desiree,
      Thanks for replying, it’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only one with ups and downs. Today I was feeling good but the day before that I was completely crazy with fear and really stuck in my thoughts. I’m sorry about the most recent fears that you have about your son, I hope everything gets figured out and you are able to deal with whatever results might come up. I appreciate you reading what I write and then giving me something to relate to, so make the comments as long as you want! Haha (:

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