Structure. We need structure.

10 Feb

It was actually hard for me to come back and face my blog today, I was in a painful place when I wrote the first post. Its honest though, so that’s a good thing. Not much of me is very honest anymore, I mean, the way I act around 99 percent of the population. I act weird and not myself. Plain and simple.

I was just on google looking for structured schedules to go by for L. I have no idea where to begin or what to work on sometimes, it’s completely overwhelming. On top of that its winter so most of out outdoor activities are out the window. There are certain ways to reinforce good behavior and stimulate speech in children with autism and it can be extremely overwhelming thinking about all of the ways you could be failing your child. Are you getting too much for him without him prompting you first? Are you just doing too much for him to the point that it’s hurting him and not helping him? Are you over stimulating him and confusing him because you are asking too many questions? Are you hindering his development because you aren’t asking him enough questions? Example, you two are playing with fire trucks, do you just make the noise for the fire truck and say “fire truck” or do you say “Fire truck L, what color is this? What noise does it make? Do you want to ride on the fire truck?” I mean, was that too much? What if he only took in part of that sentence and the rest of it is just jumbling things up and making him overwhelmed about the fire truck?

These are the things that go through my head every day. I get so overwhelmed that I just shut down. I get overwhelmed at the amount of learning opportunities and the amount that we might be missing out on because I might be doing the wrong things. I know I need guidance and L needs structure. We need to call the insurance company stat and get this stuff figured out. It’s ridiculous that I am dealing with this stuff on my own and with minimal knowledge on how to deal with it. On top of that you all know… my anxiety is debilitating. Hopefully in around a months time, I can take care of that. I will finally have insurance so I can take care of myself and in turn take better care of L. That needs to be a priority.

I have started in on a new activity or I guess sort of toned down obsession. I have been staying up extremely late, trolling pinterest and YouTube for sad but inspiring stories. The sadder the better. Last night I found a story about a little boy who is like 3 years old and has terminal cancer. The parents were crying and talking about trying to be strong and just holding him and doing all they can in the time they have left. I just stared, tears rolling down my face thinking about his little body and the time he will never get to spend with his parents and his siblings. It’s not fair. Maybe I just need to understand and see that there are others out there that have it way way worse. They somehow survive these situations. I don’t know if I could find the strength. My journey with L has been very complicated and I think I would feel way to guilty to survive if he wasn’t around which I hope will never happen because I would never be able to handle it. He is my reason for living and that is the absolute truth. I have no idea what I would do going through what I have been going through if he wasn’t here, I don’t know if I would be here. Thats scary to say but really, I am struggling. After watching what I watched last night I felt different this morning. Sure I was extremely tired but I realized that yes, L most likely has autism but you know what, it’s not cancer. Those poor parents have to watch their children fade away right in front of them and there is nothing they can really do to help and they are stronger than I could ever hope to be. I, however, have the opportunity to help L and change the course of his life, but this fact is also what paralyzes me. That is a huge amount of responsibility and more than a lot of other parents have to face. Sure parents have to teach their children of course they do, but not like I do. I am struggling with this. I am so lost. Hopefully the next time I talk to you (whoever you are out there) I will be able to say that I have a clear plan for L, because right now we are in limbo. He has not been diagnosed but he’s so close to being diagnosed. Its hard to say the least. Hopefully, clearer days ahead.

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2 Responses to “Structure. We need structure.”

  1. desireepurvis February 14, 2013 at 5:36 am #

    Okay, since now I’m apparently your new stalker – here’s my tip: slow down. Asking questions is great – absolutely. Challenges are a plus. But seriously Slow. Down. Just play with the firetruck. Let him direct the play. Does he make the noise? No? Okay, make the noise. If he likes you making the noise – keep doing it. For hours, days, weeks – whatever. When he makes the noise – ask the next question. Don’t over-complicate the already over-complicated. You’ll just overwhelm the both of you. You aren’t hurting his development by taking cues from him – your helping. Follow his lead.

    • eml2187 February 14, 2013 at 6:26 am #

      Thank you so much for being my stalker… Seriously I needed someone to talk to just now. I appreciate that, I needed that advice because I am a classic overthinker. I really do need to stop trying to control these situations and just follow his lead. Thanks again! I’m not sure what your story is or what your relationship to autism is, but i’ll do a little stalking of my own and find out. (:

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