First post.This is the 33924892308448th time i’ve started a blog.

3 Feb

So i’ve been scouring the internet. Something I do when I know i’m finally alone, when I can finally indulge my urges to know more about what I don’t want to know. Searches. Key words- autism, depression, parenting while depressed, parenting with anxiety. I feel so completely alone, its hard to explain how alone I feel. The weird smile plastered on my face at all times, even when I talk about L (my son) and what we’re going through. So fake, its almost not fake anymore.

I feel angry, I feel angry that i’m the only one who does this, that worries until I feel like I’m dying when i’m not the only one who loves him. Why do I have to go through this so alone? Well, quite a bit of that is my fault. I completely shut people off because, wait for it, I have severe anxiety and depression. I said it all dumb like that because its like i’m the only one who knows this, even though there are people that talk to me and are around me a lot that seem to ignore this or just don’t really care. How could they care? If they did wouldn’t they come right out and say it? Erin, you don’t look good/right? Erin why don’t you ever do anything anymore or hang out with anyone ever? Why is this completely ignored when my parents especially know that i’ve been going through it for so long? I’ve completely lost myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know why I did that. I don’t know why… I got pregnant and had L and its like I just said, shit, my life doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t know why I did that, and I am NOT blaming L for that. I am blaming myself, I just didn’t know how to handle it. Even with medication after he was born, I just wasn’t quite sure. Then, the complications, the delays, autism diagnoses looming over our heads for the past 2 years without a definite answer. No insurance so I had to drop my meds and have been free of them for about two years, which is horrible and its like finding out you have an illness and just saying, well i’m not going to treat it. That’s what I’ve done to myself. I guess mental illness is illness, but I really don’t feel like it is to be honest because I feel so ashamed of it. I feel ashamed of it because its like i’m walking around with it and no one wants to say I am or realize it. They are ignoring it just like I try to on a daily basis, so I guess, who can blame them? Then I sit there, on the couch, on the verge of tears every 30 minutes because I feel like or I know i’m failing him. I feel like a horrible mother.

I have so much anxiety about others and about driving that we really don’t go that many places, unless J is home then he’ll drive. Even then its hard because on his days off he doesn’t want to to as much as I want to do. Add onto these things that I feel really horrible about myself and i’m afraid of running into people, I worry an extreme amount about what people think, its not right. It’s completely crazy. Then I feel selfish that I feel this way and that its holding L back so I feel a million times worse. That’s what I go through all day and most of the night. I am afraid to live and I am afraid to die. Its a horrible spot to be in and I feel like a piece of shit because I am responsible for the development of my son and I feel like I am failing miserably.

I am this horrible thing. I feel like a clone of myself that just didn’t go quite right. I look in the mirror and wonder if its really me and I wake up and wonder if this is really my life. I’m not kidding. I have a serious problem with reality. I go in and out of it quite a bit and feel like i’m not really here. I feel really bad for anyone reading this actually, they are probably like shit, this girl is really messed up or they are thinking wow, grow some balls and change your life. I wish it were that easy. I am buried under years and years of fucked up thoughts, some of them even reinforced by the people who are supposed to love me. This is my cry for help, because I am crying out in every way I really know how. I don’t know how anyone will find this, as I will not advertise it. At least, not right away. I am hoping this will turn into a comeback story. A story about me turing it all around. So I have at least a tiny bit of hope, that the person I was is still in there somewhere. Its been so long though, since I have felt the least bit like myself or successful in any way. I used to paint, I used to run, I used to laugh and I used to have fun. I was crazy and I was fun to be around, I was who I wanted to be, well here and there. I miss myself. I want to be an awesome mom and not someone who feels like they are peering at their son through wax paper. Its like I can’t connect with him and this fucking thing is in between us.

Other people that I don’t know very well are starting to notice i’m not quite right, and that is my worst fear. My neighbor has a daughter that is in L’s program, she lives right across the street. Ever since I started putting L on the bus, we have bumped into each other and we have said a few times that we need to get L and her daughter together, but it never goes further than that. She has invited me to stop over and everything, but I can’t bring myself to do it, and it is one of the biggest things I have felt guilty about. I feel guilty because I should be a normal human being and just be able to go over to someones house and connect with them. Instead, i’m afraid of going over there once, completely break down in front of her about whats going on with me because its always on my mind and then she will be like wow, this girl is pathetic. I fear not having sympathy but just having all of these judgements. Or, she might want to hang out all the time, and how can I do that? How can I do that when I don’t want to leave the house and have other people see my gross face and be around my weird depressed personality? I can’t do that. I need to keep it this way. Then, I get worried the longer I put it off, the more and more she will doubt that she ever wants to hang out with me and L and it will just never happen, even when i’m better. Then I feel extremely guilty, or some kind of feeling beyond guilt that I have cost L a friend. Someone he could’ve bonded with.

Then I want to die and the cycle starts again.

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5 Responses to “First post.This is the 33924892308448th time i’ve started a blog.”

  1. desireepurvis February 14, 2013 at 5:28 am #

    I don’t know you. But I know weird. I know anxiety and depression (we’re old friends), and I know autism (at least, I know the autism that has affected my world). What I also know, from right this very second, is that you aren’t alone. So you should know that too. Half the population is weird, screwed up, or traumatized in some way. Hell, I’m a basket case. You aren’t alone.

    • eml2187 February 14, 2013 at 6:30 am #

      Thank you. You really don’t know how much that means to me. Sometimes its hard to shake that feeling that you feel you are the only one dealing with all of this… shit. So thank you and I am sorry that you have had to deal with any of this. I am not sure if you mean you are a parent to someone with autism or are on the spectrum yourself, but I am very grateful you took the time to stop by and make me feel better.

    • eml2187 February 14, 2013 at 6:33 am #

      Oh. Nevermind, I just realized I just started following you not too long ago, so, i’m dumb haha. From what I have read, you are completely amazing. I hope someday I can have the confidence you have as a parent.

  2. loveexplosions February 16, 2013 at 9:39 pm #

    Hi,
    I just read your blog post. I want you to know that you are not alone. Do you want to talk? If so you can email me at bethryan2659 at aol dot com. You sound like you could really use someone to talk to. Love and light.

    • eml2187 February 18, 2013 at 5:52 am #

      Beth,
      I replied to your email, thank you so much for taking the time to contact me. I look forward to hearing from you, thank you for being so kind.

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